Ready to work towards a relationship you love?

Neither of you are happy in your relationship, but for seemingly different reasons. 

One of you feels so defeated. Alone. At a loss for how to make it better. You have tried being a good partner, but it's like your partner doesn’t even see you or care — like this partnership isn’t really all that important to them, despite what they say.  You've tried everything to get through to them: write them a letter/email/text, be calm, be vulnerable, be patient, choose battles, repeat yourself and sometimes you might lose it and lash out. After all of that effort, you hope that maybe then they will hear you and take your feelings seriously <deep sigh> but that doesn’t work either. No matter what you have said or done, it feels like when you need your partner the most, they shut down, tap out, run away, and there you are - feeling abandoned and left all alone in your pain, again. That is your worst place — a place that is becoming far too familiar. To top it all off, all of this chaos wreaks havoc on the rest of your life (sleep, mood, appetite, work, social engagements, EVERYTHING)! Ugh. The defeat!!!

The other of you is also at a loss right now, unsure of how to move forward. It feels like you are constantly walking on eggshells in your relationship, trying desperately to avoid another fight with your partner. But still, no matter what, you feel like you never fail to disappoint your partner. You tell yourself, “Oh, damn … here we go again! What did I do this time?” And no matter what you do in that moment (listen, clarify, explain, help them understand, be quiet, agree), it feels like it only makes it worse. Sometimes, you wish your partner would just give you some grace, throw you a bone. You have a lot on your plate, too. That is an awful place and is so dang defeating. If you just knew how to get it right with your partner, you would! (I know) You’re exhausted and now all you want to do in these moments is retreat. 

I help couples who love each other, but need a way out of their stuck cycle of trying and giving up. I take my work as a couples therapist seriously. I see you as two partners sitting next to each other, in pain, just longing to heal and find your way back to each other. I use my extensive training in Emotionally Focused Therapy to identify the key moments when you and your partner lose connection and take the time to slow down, identify and understand the harmful patterns of conflict resolution that leave you more and more disconnected from your partner each time. Through our work together, you will gain understanding of your negative conflict cycle and begin to see your cycle’s rigid, predictable and destructive patterns as the problem, rather than your partner. 

What to expect?

During our couple counseling sessions, we will work to understand all of the emotions that come up for each of you during a conflict. This is when you both can begin to recognize your triggers and reactions in your conflict cycle – whether you lash out or shut down, feel angry or sad – and delve into the deeper emotions trapped underneath, such as loneliness, low self-worth, or the simple desire to feel loved. When each of you better understands your own emotions and starts to see your partner in his or her own vulnerable, human way, you are likely to want to offer your partner care and comfort during tender moments of vulnerability, drawing you both back together again. You and your partner are each your own unique, individual person with your own hurts, hopes, and needs, and effective couples therapy can help you recognize each other as such. 

As a couples therapist in Tempe, AZ, I will help you and your partner (re)create a safe and secure relationship, where you can successfully communicate your needs and vulnerabilities to your partner and feel emotionally safe enough to reach for the care and comfort that you need to create the authentic relationship you long for. 

I work with couples of all kinds, regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, race, ethnicity or religion. Couples counseling is a safe place for you to embody your full self, and express your feelings, fears and needs without judgment. And, as your couples therapist, I never take sides or try to place the blame on one partner. The relationship is my client, and I validate each partner’s feelings.

Ready to work towards a Safe + Secure Relationship you LOVE?

If this sounds like the help you long for, I encourage you to reach out today. I know it can feel like a big step to call a counselor, but I’ll make it easy. We’ll spend 15 minutes on the phone and I’ll let you know how or if I can help. If I am not the right person, I’ll do my best to get you to the right person. Contact me here for your free 15-minute phone consultation for counseling in Tempe.